April 1, 2010

Parenting 201: I'm Writing a Book

Yes, it's true. I'm writing a book about parenting. FYI, I have yet to implement many of these techniques, just saying, but here are some sneak peaks:

Chapter #1: How to traumatize your son and make him either gay or perverted (the results are yet to be seen).

Never ever EVER let your child sleep in his own bed or crib. Cuddle all night, every night in the master bed. If your husband is in the way, send him to your child's bedroom. What is the point of a 4 bedroom house if you can't send your husband away? Most importantly, make sure your snack bar (otherwise known as your boobies) is open and available the whole night for your kid to snack away. Then finally when your friends and family can't stand to see your 7-year-old son still nursing, draw monster faces on your boobies to scare your son away. Every time he tries to nurse, show him the monster boobies and say "Boobies went bye bye."

Chapter #2: Replace your son's unhealthy attitude towards boobies with an obsession for your belly button.

After you traumatically frighten your son with the idea that monsters now live where his precious Dairy Queen once was, teach him that he can get the same comfort and joy and cuddle time by digging his finger in your belly button. It's a little uncomfortable, but so is giving birth and its worth it when your son is hurt and nothing comforts him but the joy of lifting your shirt and wedging his little pudgy finger in belly button. It's super appropriate since the belly button was the link of life at one point between the two of you.

Chapter #3: There are ghosts everywhere.

Ever had a child who didn't want to leave some place fun? All you have to do is make some haunted noises and tell him/ her there are ghosts and run away like you are frightened.

Chapter #4: Monsters will eat you.

Keeping a toddler in bed (by bed I mean the master bed, because I don't condone children sleeping in their own room) is tough once they are old enough to crawl out of bed by his or herself. My remedy is to tell them that a scary monster will eat them. If they seem reluctant to believe it, lock them in a dark closet and make scary monster sounds. Not only will you assure they want to stay in bed, but you are reinforcing the idea that they can never sleep alone. It's a win/win.

Chapter #5: Role models.

I know most families look to Jesus as a role model for their children but I like to encourage healthy rage. There is a number of ways to do this. I assume most families don't have access to the gamma rays that turned mild mannered Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk, but I have learned that you don't actually need to detonate a gamma bomb to teach your child to growl and throw furniture and break toys. Just start showing him the most violent videos and shows you can find at an early age. Don't just stop at the Incredible Hulk. I fully believe that Jurassic Park, Jaws, Spider-Man, and anything else with villains who perform senseless acts of violence set appropriate examples. You want your son to fully explore and understand the power of testosterone and rage. See my craft blog for the bracelets I am selling: WWIHD (What Would Incredible Hulk Do)

Chapter #6: Gender confusion.

While I fully encourage my son to embrace him manliness and testosterone, I don't want him to ever fully feel masculine. I like to encourage gender confusion. I don't see gender as black and white but shades of gray. While many people look at my son as a role model for "all boy", I do all I can to make sure he isn't too masculine. I strongly encourage him to wear nail polish and he does pretty good holding still to get his mani and pedi. At this point he doesn't quite fit in my heels, but I'm looking for a really good pair in a toddler size 9. I think cherry red would go with most of his outfits. If you know where I can buy, please let me know. The good thing about encouraging gender confusion in your child is that you can be sure he has a harder time fitting in and knowing his place in life. Then there is little chance he/she will leave home and you can spend the rest of your life cuddling all night while your child trembles for fear that a monster will eat him/her if they get out of bed.

Stay tuned, I will have more good stuff coming but really to fully appreciate my parenting techniques you will need to buy my book when it is published. I can't give away all my advice for free!


Shem said...

You should think about going on the talk show circut. PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW THIS!

The Cliftens said...

Ok, i just about peed my pants. Please write a book!!! Hilarious!

Carr Family said...

Rani you are so dang funny. I would love to read your book:)

Kirsten Brockner said...

you are too funny!

Rochelle said...

Ok, I have to read this all when I have more time! I love it!!! so hilarious!

Leslie and Dave said...

I'm scared!